Okay... Where to begin.

Okay, so got my study material. Which is good. And so far i've managed to do at least one chapter a day. Which is quite an accomplishment already. Since i am not really a book-study person but more a practical, ' see it, and learn it straight away' kind of person. But... I will prevail and get through all those papers. Greek and Latin... Fun. But in Dutch... Mweh... I'm used to the English translation. Yes yes... Tv is a killer for your Dutch vocabulary.
*****
So far, all is calm and stuff. Not much new things happening.
As far as my last entry went, even that subject has come to another silent end. So far i havent heard anything from the people involved.
And that is kind of disappointing. I'm always trying to look at the good in people. Sometimes maybe even too hard. And sometimes its even plain futile. But i look for it never the less.
*****
Weekend... Coming up, yet again.
Tomorrow, hitting Amsterdam with a new friend. Which should be cewl. Saturday Kors. Need the dancefloor. Need to talk to someone. Need to get the thoughts, that keep racing through my mind, to stop, and stay still. Need answers.
*****
But... For now... There is TEA!!! (L) the tea.

My ow my... It has been one of those weeks.
I've had some pretty decent weeks. Last week, was absolutely NOT one of them.
I was emotionally drained. And truly, completely. I never had so many moments, that i wished i was able to cry, as last week.
Sick to my stomach because of it. It was a strange feeling. It was kind of like the feeling i used to have when i was really little, and i had a sleepover, and the house of friends of the family. All day would go fine... And i'd have a blast. Till the moment of going to bed, and trying to sleep... I'd always get this sick feeling, and they had to call my parents cause i wanted to picked up, and go home. And once i got home, i would feel fine, and go to bed, sleep sound as i could.
Well,... that feeling, came back all of a sudden. But it wasnt because i felt home sick. I felt sick of too many changes. I want too much, in too short a time... and that is simply not working.

But, today started fine. And i thought this week, would go smoothly. And for the most part of the day it did. I even went past my dads. And all that went without too much trouble. Got a little annoyed with some guy on the metro. Pretentious bastard. Started nagging, that i had to make space for people, cause it was crowded and stuff... And i was holding 2 seats. One for me to sit on, and one, where i had stashed a plastic bag on... But seriously, if you would have seen that second seat, you would've understood. Have you ever walked up to a chair to sit, and have that same chair look back at you, smile and wave, inviting you to sit on it?! That icky and disgusting it was... You wouldnt sit your worst enemy on such a seat. You'd atleast have some respect for their clothing and would want to keep it clean. But here this is guy was... Nagging, okay fine, you want to sit there,... fine... go ahead... But he just didnt stop, despite my warning, that he should be carefull with his clothes... Fine... Long live the invention of the mp3 player. And i left him to yap and nag... While i happily continued listening to my music.
*****
But my day wasnt over yet offcourse...
*****
Today, i found out i was very well seduced by an illusion... Yes, you can scratch your head now in confusion.
And no, i am not talking about my recent crush either...
Some of the people who regular read my LiveJournal, might recall i was very patiently waiting, for someone from abroad to come over and visit me. He had the biggest crush on me. Really a fancy story and all that. Our emails became quite serious, and so became my love for this 'person' . But it has been well over 2 months now, since i had last heard from him... And i was getting worried. Then suspicion took over. And today, with the help of one my more computer-wise friends, i discovered something new.
This person, who had such a great crush on me... Was supposed to live in New York... As in New York, all the way across the ocean... Imagine my surprise, when i discovered, that his emails, got sent, from somewhere, right here in Amsterdam... Yes... Shock and amazement.
And i looked further... Checked all his emails... And yes... All the same IP adress. Same with the lady who was supposedly his sister. Same IP adress too!!!
*****
I feel sick. Very sick. I feel like someone played a game with my head and my heart, and both i dont like, nor handle very well. Even if this whole thing was, with the most noblest of ideas. It still doesnt feel right...
But i'm glad i found out... I think... I think honesty in the long run, will work best. And i'm gonna try and leave this somewhere, well hidden in my memory. Not forgetting it. I guess it will now serve as a constant reminder, of not trusting people too fast.

I guess that, that which i was kind of hoping for, isnt meant to be.
' Lack of time ' was the excuse... True as it may be... It still sucks. Eventhough the feeling
was there too.
*sigh* ... I guess at some point in time you can get used to it. I wish i was at that point...
Cause it still hurts...

Okay... Guess plans've changed...
Staying home, for the most part of the weekend.
So i'm heading out saturday.
And hopefully, alcoholic drinks all around...

Yaay me... 

I must've done something good,... Either that, or I have my own little Angel all of a sudden. 
Maybe going to Belgium next weekend for a day... Or I have a date after the weekend... 

Yaay me... He's cute. He's funny. He's an army guy ( green combat uniforms, like... Roaarrr )... He wrestles... 
See my ego go all purring here... 
Yup... Me be happy... 
Bring on the weekend!!

Okay. I've made up my mind. I'm sick and tired. Of waiting. Of doing nothing. Of being lied to, and of being led on.
Right now, I am down to my last 4 cigarettes. When those are done, I'm actually going to make a serious effort to quit smoking. 
Sounds pretty damn scary huh. I know. But I feel its needed. I've been smoking so much, that at the end of the day, longues are actually hurting, and 
I dont get enough air.  Sucks greatly. 
I've said a little goodbye to going out for now aswell. I dont feel like play-pretend every weekend, like nothing is wrong, and being nice and social. Even to people I dont even really like. 
Instead I'm going t o join a gym. 
Work out all my frustrations, and angers and stress. Just sitting behind the computer, isolating myself from the rest of the world isnt working anymore.
Instead it seems to frustrate me even more. 
So fitness, sauna and swimming for me... That should help me. A new outlet for my emotions and feelings, and I get back into shape. So... Me is happy. 
***** 
Still waiting for news if I got a job. Keeping my fingers crossed. Aswell as me finding a house. 
*****
For the most part... I guess I gave up. Sounds a bit like defeat, but who can say. 
Dont know what else to do. I think I've waited long enough.

Monday again... Lazy monday... 
Cup of coffee, the computer, music... Yes... Content is a good description.  The weekend was fun. Friday we watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail... OMG... What a weird ass movie. Seriously... Men pretending to be riding horses but arent, and therefor are walking around very strangely. A killer bunny?? Really!!! ... GODS... Should be under the influence of something when watching this... Damn... 
After that, got somewhat stoned, and me and Djamisa went through her screensaver options... Some of those things look really freaky when you're stoned... Wow...
Saturday, regular day. Had an argument with my dad again... *argh* ... Went to Kor_Ronin at night, sitting around, watching a movie, getting pretty drunk in the meantime. Talked some. It was fun. It was comfy and cozy. Kinda like old times... 
After that, went to Kors. 
Where there was an invasion going on!!! 
Gay men all over the place... It was soo weird... Cute ones too, but where the hell did they all come from?! 
Got some lame pick-up line from one of the greatest player/loser from the Kors... ' Since when did i become so good looking' ... Like... Seriously... DUDE!!!  
Just because you just noticed something you like, doesnt mean i didnt look good before?! pffff... Seriously... Some men... 
Then after that, got a similar compliment, from someone i didnt expect it, which was really nice, and he was right, that kinda had an impact on me... 
Heard a friend was all of a sudden kissing some other lady, *shivers* ... Not even going into that... Dont feel like it either... I kinda had it with the comments of others, who think they are fit to judge my life/lovelife, and what i do and with who i do it... 
Sunday... Dead... Yawn... Ressurrected. 
Switching between computer and couch mostly... 
*****
Looking soo forward to next week, GOTHOORT!!! Yaaay... If it will be anything like the last time, it will be one hell of a party.  Sunday is the next PWH 
show in IJmuiden...  Yeah... good weekend coming up... Now all i need is social services to shape up and get me my money before then... 

Do you know those really nice guys with the white coats? They're really friendly. They're so friendly, they'll give you your own white coat too!
And the funny thing about the coat, is that it has really really long sleeves. And with those sleeves you can hug yourself. All the day long!
Do you know those really nice guys with the white coats? They're really friendly. They have their own little place. And that place has lots and lots of doors. But strangely all the doors are closed... But behind all those doors, are people. In almost every little room. Some of the rooms are patted. Some of the rooms are not.
******
Okay... Well... Whatever...
Okay, news flash... Got my guts together, AND my nerves and yesterday i went for my (officialy 3rd) 2nd piercing... Oh My Fucking God... Does that one hurt when having it done. But... Its cewl now, its done, the ring is in... Yeah baby yeah... Look at me and my bad self. Lip still feels weird tho... Ah well...
******
I am getting another invite to go look at a house!!! Yaay Me!!! I'm 9th in line, for a house in Nieuwendam... ( That being North side of Amsterdam, for those who have no idea where that is)... So i'm happy.
******
Had a trampling party last sunday. Oh My... Either the guy was very very brave, or very very foolish. Seriously. A weight of over 400 kg's devided over 6 women, and he had it all on top of him... How he did it? Dont know, dont ask me... But it does demand a certain respect, seeing as it was a fairly little guy.
Had a great time. Got sloshed on too much wine... But it was cewl. It was fun. Going to do it again sometime soon.
******
Little more sad note...
Still no sign of life, from the other side of the world...
This is getting slightly annoying. Slightly upsetting. Slightly making me mad...
Ow well... Now lets just try and get some shut-eye

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)--

Let the games begin! Libra will try anything once. Twice to make sure they liked it. Three times to be absolutely sure. Do not touch a Libra's head during oral sex...that may work with an Aries, but not here. Libras LOVE giving oral - They LOVE getting it , too. But don't feel like they get enough...too bad, because they sure as hell are getting enough of everything else. Libras are not only mental but emotional creatures. Can you cook a bag of peas in a pot of cold water? You won't be cooking anything with a cold LIbra either. That's the emotional side for you. But, beware, once your Libra is on fire, you will be consumed. Libra's believe in living and fulfilling fantasies that they haven't done in real life...which is rare because they have done almost EVERYTHING. They have no problem sploshing, in fact, bring a towel. Or two. Or three. To them, sitting in a pie COULD be fun. Porn? Not for a Libra! They HATE vulgarity. They are heavily exhibitionistic by accident. They are accident prone and they lose everything. Keys, bras, underware, track of time, condoms....they also accidentally end up in bed with people. Amazing how THAT works! Libra is ruled by the goddess Aphrodite. They are never just ONE sex. They can always feel what the opposite sex feels. Which is why they are rarely clingy, except in rare circumstances when they have been led on, then watch the manipulative side of the scales swing. They love to role play and play dress up. Who are they really? It depends on what day of the week it is. They believe that life is too short to date ugly people, for more than one reason. So if you are being shagged by a Libra, there is a good reason. Whether you are attractive physically, emotionally, mentally or have a fantastic sense of humor, there is always a reason for a Libra to be fucking you. They despise feeling like they are on a waiting list to get your attention...worse yet, feeling like they are your groupie. That won't last long, then. They have already figured out HOW to destroy you...now they are biding their time to see how long until they throw YOU away...with nothing. But, if you get past all that, expect long luxurious nights of love making. Libra's are also the romantic of the zodiac, they don't just fuck. They are the Graceful Slut...but not slutty and yet accident prone. If you are going to fuck a Libra: Throw away your watch. Get mirrors. Lots of them. They have more vanity issues than a Gemini. Nothing is TOO kinky for them. They are the eternal Courtesan or Concubine. Libra's require psychological penetration. Confidence and understanding must exist between the Libra and their mate. Thus, when mutual confidence and respect exists, sexual energy is exchanged and not wasted or worn.

Another year has passed. Again a year of more learning experiences. Some which were helpfull, and most welcome. Some which were helpfull, but not nice at all, and some I probably could have done without completely.
I lost and gained friends. Did some nice and not so nice things. All and all quite an eventfull year.
Left my mothers house, to again discover, that living with her and my brother in one house, just doesnt work. We communicate better when we are out of eachothers hair most of the time. Although, on the other hand, our fights have become more fierce, since i now, can just leave the house at the end of it, or somewhere during, if things get too much out of control.
I learned that adapting to other cities then Amsterdam is doable. Little effort needed, but it actually is doable. Getting used to the calm and quiet of Amstelveen.
I'm hoping that this new month will also bring better things, better news, fun events with it.
September has been an absolutely shitty month. Loads of bad news. Lousy things happening. And apart from contstantly having people around me, it has been a lonely month too.
So i'm hoping this month will go better. I'm hoping for good news, fun stuff, a house of my own, and my lover coming to see me...
*****
So far however, I do want to thank Djamisa, Redwing_cr1, Dreggan, Lord Burrito, CokeAin, Kentough, Tanka, Sammetje_10, Budak01, for being the sweetest people, and texting, emailing or calling me.
Thank you for the sweet messages, the cute gifties, and the sweet cards. You people made it a great day. And a wonderfull start of my 25th year on this earth...

Why is it, that the mayority of the people, always thinks inside a certain little box like structure? And i mean that in a general way. Everyone thinks in boxes. About life, about other people. About love.
Allright i admit, so do i, from time to time. I cant help it. I'm trying not to. It almost seems an infectious thing. The world does, and so do i. Quite the sheep mentality to do so really.
But it bothers me none the less. Specially, when people think they can judge you, by the decisions you make.
But it still pisses me off. Specially by people, i dont consider to be friends anyway.
*sighs* ... Guess it's a human thing...
*****
Okay, so i know, that usually it takes a while ( a few dates or whatever, depends from person to person ) for them, to call someone else their boy- or girlfriend. *shruggs... I dont really care.
This is a mutual thing, him and me think alike on this point.
So it's definitly not a one sided thing here... But still frowned upon by others... We've seen eachother only a few times. He's seen me more then i've seen him... Since he was just watching me in Kors, because he was too shy to come up to me...
*****
But now, my birthday is coming up, and the possibility, that he'll be here for that, is quite slim. And i'm not really holding my breath, knowing that if i hope for it too much, it'll hurt more, when i discover that my hope was idle. All i can do is wait and see what happens. But still, the idea of him not being here, rather sucks.
Now a former friend of mine, is judging me, and my relationship, cause we've seen eachother so little, and our contact mostly is through email. That according to him, i can not call this a relationship. But more a pen pall thing. But according to him, he isnt the only one who thinks that... This is what the 'Mayority of People think' ... Well forgive me, if i dont give a flying fuck about the 'Mayority of People' ... I dont know them. They dont know me. And they have no right to pass judgement, on my decisions.
*****
*sighs&growls*
Mundaine Mayority... Is there anything more annoying?! Well there probably is... But i have yet to find it...

So, its been a while. But finally there is again some calm again. Both from within and outside.
Thankfully.
Only regret is, that it again did cost me a friendship. Even when that friendship was far from equal, and it gave me more stress then joy the last few weeks.
For those who remember it, i spoke a while ago, about someone i had a fight with, again, and who during that fight, called me a 'lying sack of shit' , apparerently he had in the meanwhile figured out, he was wrong about me, and that the people he thought he could trust, were in fact not all that trustworthy, were the ones lying. And not me. So the other day, he was supposed to come over.
Out of his own free will, he promised to cook for me and Djamisa. Would give us massages if we wanted it, and would serve us 'hand and foot', as he called it. It would be the atonement for his sins, as he put it. Thus the appointment was made. He would be here at 2pm.
But alas. 2:15 pm we got an sms, he was running really late. But was being funny about it. NOt a good thing to be doing, if you are supposed to 'atone' Eventually, he showed up, past 6pm. Over 4 (!!!) hours late. Instead of just ringing the doorbell, just like anyother person would, he decided to sms, letting us know, he was standing outside, and wanting to know if he could still come in. 'Well try the doorbell, it might work.' I had reached the end of my patience a good while ago. But apparently, he didnt like that response well, since he continued smsing, in quite a sarcastic manner, which resulted in a furious Djamisa, stomping down the stairs to meet him there. He then merely looked through the glass. And walked out again. Not saying a word.
Mind you, this is not something you want to do, when the lady is already angry with you. So she yanked the door open. Yelled at him, that it was his own fault, that he was over 4 friggin hours late, and expected to be served on, by us, when it was supposed to be the other way around.
Off he went. And after a few minutes i got an sms. Apparently WE were the ones out of line, and over-reacting. But he still wanted to talk to me, because apparently that always worked for us.
Yes. It did. For a week. Maybe 2. Then it would be the same old story all over again. And we kept running in circles like that, the whole time.
So i decided no more.
I'm going to stop being angry. But i'm going to stop running these circles aswell. So no more. I'm done, i'm tired... I dont feel like this anymore. I have more then enough on my mind, and i dont need this. I really need to start looking after myself better. And i'm gonna put all my energy into that. That, and the friends, who really friends, and who deserve my time and energy.
So i told him that... And apparently, my reaction saddens him.
Though, i dont know yet, what saddens him more... The fact, i am not gonna be that gullable anymore, and start listening better, to those around me... Or the fact, he wont be able to get me into his bed anymore.
Well... News flash... I do actually tend to be monogamous when i'm dating someone... *shock*
Yes... I do...

Reminder to self:
Never drink all kinds of alcoholic drinks over the course of one evening. It makes you sick.
*****
That basicly, summs it all up.
*****
Looking forward to next weekend. Then again, i'm not. Doubt is a bitch, but its consuming at times. And drives you crazy. *headdesk* ARGH...
Hangover would be nice at this point. Since it would probably block all other thoughts, and feelings from my head.
Why do we let ourselves become so emotionally attached to people sometimes, when it, at times like these, hurts you so bad. And the uncertainty drives you up every wall you can find.
Then again, we cant stop it either. We love. We become attached. You dont want to hold back on your loved one. Otherwise, loving them would seem unreal.

I never held out on anyone i ever loved. Sometimes bringing me closer to the brink of madness, then i would ever wish upon another. But i wont hold out now either... Give me insanity then... Give me pain... But give me certainty aswell.

1. Your Full Name:

2. Age:

3. Single or Taken:

4. Favorite Movie:

5. Favorite Song:

6. Favorite Band/Artist:

7. Dirty or Clean:

8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:


HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...


1. Do we know each other outside of LJ?

2. Whats your philosophy on life?

3. Would you have my back in a fight?

4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?

5. What is your favorite memory of us?

6. Would you give me a kidney?

7. Tell me one odd/intresting fact about you:

8. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?

9. Can we get together and make a cake?

10. Have you heard any rumors of me lately?

11. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?

12. Do you think I'm a good person?

13. Would you drive across country with me?

14. Do you think I'm attractive?

15. If you could change anything about me, would you?

16. What do you wear to sleep?

17. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?

18. Would you go on a date with me if i asked you?

19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?

20. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

BORED AGAIN...
Story of my life... Or at least the story for the last few days/weeks?!
Called the company that is renting out the house, on which i am 3rd in line for. Seems that on the 29th, they have a meeting with the first person, they offered it to for the second time. Currently they are checking the persons information, and if all turns out well, that person will sign the contract, and get the keys.
So by the looks of things, this house is not mine to have. Really is too bad... It was a nice place, spacious for a 1 bedroom apartment, and i had some fun plans thought up for it.
Oh well... I'm still looking, and placing reactions on others apartments, so sooner or later something will come up. Though rather sooner then later.

By now, its allready Saturday, meaning its the 23rd of September... Meaning, its 10 more days till my birthday... Yaaay... Little me, is turning 24... *does little happy dance* ... But,... This year, my birthday will be on monday... Meaning that i'll probably celebrate it on the saturday prior, in Kors, with my friends... Drinks all around... Yeah... Hoping my baby will be there too... That would be a nice birthday pressie... *Looks hopefull*

Went shopping today... Bought books... Yaay... Hail to Claudia Varrin ... And most defenitly hail Max Allan Collins... Most excellent writers at this moment in time!!!
Got Dain his birthday presents... I still owed him those... He picked Spiderman thingies... So he was happy... Now i'm the one sleeping under a Spiderman blanket... See me glow with honour. *Smiles*
Went for frozen cappucino from The Coffee Company... HEAVENLY!!! And ( ominous music ) I got 5mm stretching spirals for my ears. Yep... Bring on the pain... OUCH OUCH friggin OUCH... But i'm getting there. Still want to get my lip pierced... Really do want to... Just really NOT looking forward to the pain of the needle again... Or it could be not looking forward to the needle... Yeah i have a real thing against needles... So that should be fun, when i'm getting my tattoo... So far at least 4 people want to come with me, for that glorious and i am sure hilarious moment, when i'm having the tattoo done... *sighs* ... Yes... Nothing more fun then someone else's misery...
Ow well... Grit my teeth... And take it like a man...
*****
Ow wait... I dont have to... I'm FEMALE... * Big smile *

I NUDGED people... Mwuahahahaha...
Ahum... I'm guessing the warm weather is getting to me.
Having fun, with things,... Gosh, you wouldnt believe...

Anywayz... I've nudged people... MUHA

jake_myn - posted 13 weeks ago (nudge them)
saartjelief19 - posted 13 weeks ago (nudge them)
drakina - posted 3 weeks ago (nudge them)

I am tired... I am bored... But I cant go to sleep or otherwise there will be one more sleepless night for me to come... So... What do i do??? Yup... TEST THINGIES!!! BOOYAA BABY

**

You Are a Snarky Blogger!

You've got a razor sharp wit that bloggers are secretly scared of. And that's why they read your posts as often as they can!

**

You Are 52% Open Minded

You are a very open minded person, but you're also well grounded. Tolerant and flexible, you appreciate most lifestyles and viewpoints. But you also know where you stand firm, and you can draw that line. You're open to considering every possibility - but in the end, you stand true to yourself.

**

Your Passion is Pink

Innocent and naive, you approach sex with a virginal mindset. You tend to enjoy teasing and flaunting much more than actual sex. You're a notorious flirt, and you can pick up anyone you desire. As a result, your reputation is a lot steamier than your real sex life.

Really now... *laugs out load* ...

**

You Are 44% Sociopath

You're not a sociopath, but you're very prone to antisocial behavior. Other people's opinions matter little to you. You live your own fringe life - for better or worse.

**

Your Hair Should Be Blue

Wild, brilliant, and out of control. You're a risk taker with an eye to the future.

What a coincidence... I was already planning on going blue...

**

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy. You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts. People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused. But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination.

Wow... They are actually accurate for once!

**

Ok... I should stop now... Or soon i'll be fit for rehab!

Okay,... Here we go again.

Today, I went to look at a house, in Amsterdam. I responded to it, through the internet, because I am looking for my own little place. I ended up, being 10th in line, for this little 1 bedroom house. Perfect. It's just me, myself and I. I dont need all that much room. YET. So this will do nicely.
So there I went this morning. Had to be there at 9:20hr. ( what idiot sets up these things, this freakin early??) Anyway... I got there... I was even 15 minutes early, so i looked around. Pretty old neighbourhood. But seemed fine otherwise. Peeked through the window... And i thought to myself ' THIS is IT??? ' ... ' Well screw that '

But the lady from the company arrived, and we were allowed in. Yes there were more people present at the time, and all came to look at the same house... ( where is your shotgun when you need it aye?) But we could look inside. Wow... Surprise... This place aint even half that bad... Pretty ok for a 1 bedroom apartment. Just needs a little paint on the walls and something for on the floor and we're good to go. Hell i'll take it... I see possibilities here... *mrrrrow.*

But now, i have to wait 2 more weeks, to see if i get the place... So i guess my chances are pretty slim. Though, they did improve a little... Because i am now nr 8 in line for the house... Yaay me...

*****

I also decided what i'm going to do with my ears. Remember, i was stretching them?! Well i currently hold a 3mm stretch spiral. Which is getting loose... And now i'm going to push my luck and my ears ) and i'll be moving on to a 5 mm stretch spiral... *rubs hands in anticipation*

Further more, i am STILL contemplating on whether or not i want to have my lip pierced again. But this time it wouldnt be a barbel... A ring is what i would go for... So much easier with the wrestling and everything.

*****

Little sad note... My baby got sick... And not just sick, but like really sick sick... High fever and everything. He's stuck in bed... Is not even supposed to get out of bed either... And he is bored out of his pretty little head.
** Get well soon honey!! **